Guess I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Sniffing Glue

by Lauren Mayer

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Sandy Riccardi
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Sandy Riccardi Lauren Mayer is a brilliant and hilarious political songwriter whose music is helping to keep me sane during the current administration. Favorite track: We Are All Immigrants, You Shmucks.
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about

Comedy songs for crazy times - political satire & topical comedy from an opinionated liberal suburban Jewish mother

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released December 1, 2016

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about

Lauren Mayer San Mateo, California

Lauren Mayer (a.k.a. Psycho Super Mom) is a political comedy satiric songwriter who writes weekly topical songs about politics, life, and sleep deprivation. She is an award-winning songwriter/ cabaret performer & a graduate of Yale University, and her mother still doesn't understand why she didn't go to law school. ... more

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Track Name: Guess I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Sniffing Glue
It's been a truly crazy election -
And now it looks like crazy is here to stay
The people voted and made a selection,
But the electoral college went the other way
I start to wonder what those voters were thinking
Guess I picked the wrong week to quit drinking

Shock and awe have been the liberal reactions
As we try to find a way to stay happy
Commiserating on social media, or seeking distractions
Like binge-watching reruns of Downton Abbey
Well at least California legalized what we need
Guess I picked the wrong week to quit smokin' weed

Election night I really questioned my sanity
And nothing really seemed to make sense
When the most accurate pundit was Sean Hannity
And the grownup in the room was Mike Pence
As the Democrats path started narrowin'
I picked the wrong week to quit shooting heroin

The fact that Obama's successor will be that man
Is like something out of my scariest dreams
We could really use a hero like Batman
Or at least a few real funny memes
But if we can laugh, it'll help us pull through
Although I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue
Now, I'm not advocating substance abuse, just making a joke
But I picked the wrong week to quit snorting coke, just kidding,
sorta . . . .
Track Name: Dear Internet Trolls
Dear Internet Trolls
Thanks for taking so much time
to tell me I'm a worthless jerk And you hate my work
But even folks who don't like my videos do count
So you and your pals have really goosed my view count
Though you think my writing and singing sucks
You helped me make a few extra bucks
And you might think that I'd think your comments are scary
But clearly you just need a hug, and a dictionary

Dear Internet Trolls Gosh you really sound upset
and you wanna get it off your chest But I'm not impressed
Your anti-Semitic, sexist slurs would be more compelling
If you could be bothered to check your spelling
As for using foul language to knock me
I've raised teenage sons so it's hard to shock me
You might think that I'd think your comments are scary
But clearly you just need a hug, and a dictionary and a good therapist

Some of what you say may seem hateful
But for making me feel famous, I'm grateful
And I don't wanna sound shrill myself
But you & your friends have already suggested
plenty of possible methods to kill myself - (so I'm good, thanks)

Dear Internet Trolls
Do you think the way you belly-ache is gonna make me disappear?
Sorry, I'm still here
And I know what's behind the misbehaving around your tricks
Showing off for each other by waving around your . . . words
If what I create makes you hate & deplore it
You know you could always just ignore it
So don't think that I think your comments are scary
Clearly you just need a hug, and a dictionary - and a good therapist
- and a job - and a social life - and a remedial English class
- and some serious medication
- and something constructive to do with what's clearly too much
free time on your hands - and a teddy bear - and a lollipop . . . .
Track Name: Then You're A Feminist
There's a term that's been maligned And casually dismissed
So today it's time we redefined The meaning of "femninist'

Do you have a vagina? Do you want to be the boss of it?
If the answer is yes - then you're a feminist
If you think in health care one's gender
Should not determine the cost of it
Or if to birth control you get access? Then you're a feminist!
Young women claim, "feminism's not for me
I'm tired of hearing about it
I want to scream, read your history
We'd all be screwed without it!
Do you have your own credit card
Would you hate to see the loss of it
Then there's no need to guess, you are a feminist

If you think Olympic athletes
Should be discussed for their accomplishments
and not their boyfriends, or hairstyle?
Uh, you're a feminist
If you hate the way online critics
Have gotten even more misogynist, more personal, violent and vile
Duh, you're a feminist
Misogyny is clear to see
In how some women are slandered
It's especially sick in politics
Where there's a troubling double standard
If you think political candidates
Should be judged by their records and policies
and not by how much they smile
Uggh!!, you're a feminist

It doesn't make you anti-men To point out every now and then
That it would be good for everyone
If the Equal Rights battle were finally won
Sexism isn't dead and it's getting me pissed!
Cause there's nothing wrong with being a feminist!
Track Name: Put Down Your Cell Phone (And Be Here Now)
CHORUS: Put down your cell phone, and be here now
Put down your cell phone, you'll survive somehow
Put down your cell phone, we don't need that sound
Put it down, put it down, put it down
CHORUS B Put down your cell phone, don't give it a glance
Put down your cell phone let it vibrate in your pants
Put down your cell phone at home or in town
Put it down put it down put it down

You don't need to be online every single minute
Recording each moment instead of being in it
You're missing the party, the show on the stage
When you're busy posting photos to your Facebook page
CHORUS

Oy, it's annoying when you're in a crowd
And people are talking way too loud
Or you hear every word of a personal call
That someone's making in the next toilet stall! CHORUS

When I see people who text and drive
I wanna say, Hey, I'd rather stay alive
Do you need to make phone calls everywhere you are,
If it's really so important then stop your damn car! CHORUS

BRIDGE Why do we always need to be connected
The people we're with deserve to be respected
(They deserve to be respected!) So . . . .

CHORUS A, CHORUS B
TAG Put it down put it down - ignore a call when it comes
put it down put it down - stifle (or 'put away') your thumbs
Put it down put it down - we'll show you how
Put it down put it down put it down - right now!
Track Name: We Are All Immigrants, You Shmucks
I thought this was a country that welcomed in the strangers
The huddled masses yearning to be free
But lately politicians have been screaming about dangers
Which have no basis in reality
So as this issue's heating up in politics today
To those xenophobes Ild like to say

We are mostly all immigrants you shmucks
What's with your cluelessness & arrogance?
Pretending history doesn't exist
We are all immigrants you shmucks, except for Native Americans
Who have good reason to be really pissed
Stop insulting our neighbors like uneducated clucks
Cause we're (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks

Immigrants have come here in search of better lives
Or escaping wars and horrors they've been through
And as is clearly proven by a couple of Trump's wives
Immigrants do jobs the rest of us won't do
Trump's xenophobic speeches have most thinking people squirmin'
Maybe they sounded better in the original German

We are all immigrants, you shmucks - despite the way Ann Coulter raves
If she won't shut up could she at least lower her voice
We are mostly all immigrants, you shmucks
Except for native Americans & descendants of slaves
Who ancesters didn't exactly come here by choice
You know you're in the wrong when you're endorsed by the Ku Klux(Klan) (it rhymes)
And we're (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks

You platitudes and slogans recall us at our worst
Look up the hist'ry of Charles Lindbergh and "Amer'ca First"
So much damage done back then with anti-immigrant hysteria
Ann Frank today would be a girl from Syria

We are all immigrants you shmucks, so stop these nativist attacks
They're unAmerican, they're hateful and unfair
We are (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks, most immigrants pay a lot more tax
Than a certain blow-hard, orange-faced billionaire
My song's not just for yucks - of my point here's the crux
Stop stirring up the muck with violent rhetoric that sucks
Remember, we are (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks!
Track Name: Religious Freedom Doesn't Mean The Freedom To Discriminate
We've finally got nation-wide marriage equality
Thought we were done with obstructive frivolity
The right wing's still fighting, the way it does
With a word that doesn't mean what they say it does

Religious freedom doesn't mean you're - free to discriminate
If someone you might hate just wants to celebrate
No one's saying you can't pray the way you wanna pray
But businesses have laws they must obey
The fervor of your feelings doesn't change things a smidgeon
Serving homophobic bigots is against my religion
But legally I can't refuse to serve 'em to protest their views
Even shmucks have rights today
You can't fire folks for being gay even'if your church says to restrict 'em
But this basic dictum Doesn't mean that YOU'RE the victim
Those who've been rejected need their rights to be protected
Which does not make you some persecuted Job
Why are you so frightened? Are you so out of touch
Or maybe it's a case of doth protesting too much
A lot of studies posit someone's prob'ly in the closet
when they act like such a homophobe
And this freakout over men in ladies' restrooms is weird
Despite what they have feared not one case has appeared
Does that mean when we have to go some shmoe's gotta screen us?
This is why religion's like a penis:
It's fine to have one but you don't need to wave it in my face!

The only LGBT agenda is to be treated equally
Which won't hurt you or me Why's that so hard to see?
Gay weddings don't disparage the whole institution of marriage
In fact, they actually strengthen families
These family values politicians who put gay romance down
Are usually the ones who get caught with their pants down
Each hateful law that passes from these homophobic . . . bigots
Is just to justify their hate
But religious freedom doesn't mean the freedom to discriminate!
Track Name: I Didn't Come From Your Rib (You Came From My Vagina)
These days women's rights were well established, or so we presumed
Still work to do, but things were looking nifty
But lately rightwing politicians seem to be consumed
With making us go back to 1950
Oh they'd rob us of our choices, birth control restrictions pour on
It's time to raise our voices, so we can tell each moron
Your war on women is infuriating -
You only value us if we're gestating
So tell all those misogynists from Maine to North Carolina
I didn't come from your rib - you came from my vagina!

Now apparently God tells some politicians that they ought
To deny science, women's rights and evolution
But it's NOT a Christian country, just in case you shmucks forgot
And the Bible doesn't trump the constitution
And don't push 'abstinence only', those programs are all failin'
It didn't really work out so well for Bristol Palin (just sayin')
Your war on women's real and revs my motor
Keep up this crap, you'll lose each female voter
So quit claiming to respect us while you shame & blame & tutor us
I didn't come from your rib, but you came from my uterus

To cut off women's health care, red state governments have raced
As if to TV preachers they've apprenticed
But all these closed Planned Parenthood clinics can't be replaced
By optometrists, a food bank or a dentist
So don't put us through contortions to get a rare exception
And if you want fewer abortions, don't block access to contraception!
Your platform's packed with vehement misogyny
Treating us like we're just vehicles for progeny
Of women's rights, the GOP would be an underminer
I didn't come from your rib, you came from my vagina
And we're sick of your misogynists one liners
We didn't come from your ribs, you came from our vaginas
I didn't come from your rib, you came from my vagina!
Track Name: They Say People, Not Guns, Kill People (But The Gun Sure Helps)
Yet again we all lament another awful shooting
But we can't do a thing about it, there seems no refuting
Cause of what they say at the NRA, despite our outraged yelps
They say people (not guns) kill people
But honey, the gun sure helps.

One crime by one illegal immigrant,
they say, deport 'em all, no pity, oh
They'll defund Planned Parenthood cause of a nonexistent video
But thousands of gun deaths annually won't sway these mindless kelps
who say people (not guns) kill people
But honey, the gun sure helps.

(BRIDGE)
We have way more guns than other countries & more gun deaths by far
you think?
Our Founding Fathers didn't envision open carry in a bar
And that precious second amendment? I wish ya
Would recall it's all about a militia
And tho gun nuts may hate it,
IT ALSO MENTIONED WELL REGULATED Hello!

If it's about "good guys with guns" then why do they oppose
Basic background checks or get so vexed at enforcing laws at gun shows
Tell me why we're paralyzed by jerks who like to smirk
people not guns kill people but Saying 'bang bang' doesn't really work
How many more senseless deaths before
We say to the NRA no more
People MAY kill people, but the way-too-accessible gun helps

Doesn't anyone think the weapon matters
When it's less regulated than pools or ladders
Yeah people kill people and shoot their neighbors, and their loved ones, and themselves, and completely random innocent people and
the unregulated frigging gun sure helps!
Track Name: Just Another Middle Aged Jewish Mother With A Crush On Steph Curry
I know our love can never be more than a hopless fantasy
I don't know what else to do, cause I'm not over you
My broken-heart won't mend in a hurry
Even though I know that I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother
with a crush on Steph Curry, ooh,

You've got a smile I can't resist Tho you don't even know that I exist
Maybe I'll start "I Love Steph Curry Dot Com"
Even though I'm old enough to be your . . . . big sister
About my pain it's plain you don't worry
Cause you're a famous athlete in your prime
And I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother w/a crush on Steph Curry

It's hard to keep track of all the great shots you've thrown
In fact, the only records left to break are your own
You're the standout on an outstanding team
But are you really as nice, and well mannered and smart,
and with an emoji that's more popular than Kim Kardashian's,
yet you're still humble & altruistic, and devoted to your wholesomely attractive familyand devoutly Christian but not in a showy way like Tim Tebow
More understated spirituality like Jimmy Carter
As you seem?

Darling you know you'll always be my personal MVP
But seeing you rips me apart
You keep shooting 3 pointers into my heart
Let all your other fans around you scurry
At least my plea to you will rhyme cause I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother with a crush on Steph Curry
I hope this song gets to you in a hurry
Cause athletic careers only last so long and I'm running out of time
And I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother w/a crush on Steph Curry
Just another middle-aged Jewish mother who doesn't normally act like this
but don't worry I'm happily married and not a stalker
It's just that I've got an unresolved crush on Steph Curry
Track Name: Politically Correct
There's a term by which I'm guided that's been slighted and derided
And right wingers can't abide it But I wish we wouldn't hide it

"Politically correct" is just another way to say
Not being an asshole
And if you should ever doubt it
Look at who complains about it
They use being 'non PC'
As a rather loose excuse to be
Homophobic racist sexist anti Semitic
And a way to put down any critic
Don't think we didn't see the meme you tweeted
It doesn't disappear just cause you delete it
Your rudeness we reject
What's wrong with being politically correct?

"Politically correct" was once meant as a compliment
For using nice manners
The entire affair doesn't merit scorning
Cause a few kids wig out over trigger warning
Some overreach does not mean being PC
Is worse than misogyny and bigotry
Insults and lies don't comprise a great speech
And don't blame the media when you spew hate speech
It's not defending 'truth and candor'
When to the basest of your racist fans you pander
Politically correct is simply showing people some respect
And using a shred of intellect
In the leaders we elect,
there's nothing wrong with being politically correct!
Track Name: If Men Could Get Pregnant
If men could get pregnant
Contraception would be a basic right
Access to birth control would never be cut
No one would say you only need it cause you're a slut
The pill would be the easy method favored
And it would be free and bacon-flavored

If men could get pregnant
About sex ed we wouldn't be so uptight
States wouldn't make up legal contortions
To prevent men from having safe legal abortions
And a real effective morning after pill, you know
Would've been invented a hundred years ago

If men could get pregnant
They'd decide exactly when they want to conceive
There'd be cool pregnancy comfort devices
Stretch marks would be a national health crisis
About natural childbirth, men wouldn't give heck to me
It would be as rare as natural vasectomy

If men could get pregnant
They'd get two years paid maternity leave
They'd proudly breast feed in public, and not cower
They'd wanna show off their size and squirting power
So as for women's choice, I hope men view it
By thinking about what if they had to do it
This reproductive battle, we'd've already won it
If men could get pregnant
The world would be a better place - cause women would run it!
If men could get pregnant (just kidding not really)
Track Name: I'm Not A Scientist
If men could get pregnant
Contraception would be a basic right
Access to birth control would never be cut
No one would say you only need it cause you're a slut
The pill would be the easy method favored
And it would be free and bacon-flavored

If men could get pregnant
About sex ed we wouldn't be so uptight
States wouldn't make up legal contortions
To prevent men from having safe legal abortions
And a real effective morning after pill, you know
Would've been invented a hundred years ago

If men could get pregnant
They'd decide exactly when they want to conceive
There'd be cool pregnancy comfort devices
Stretch marks would be a national health crisis
About natural childbirth, men wouldn't give heck to me
It would be as rare as natural vasectomy

If men could get pregnant
They'd get two years paid maternity leave
They'd proudly breast feed in public, and not cower
They'd wanna show off their size and squirting power
So as for women's choice, I hope men view it
By thinking about what if they had to do it
This reproductive battle, we'd've already won it
If men could get pregnant
The world would be a better place - cause women would run it!
If men could get pregnant (just kidding not really)
Track Name: When They Go Low, We Get High
When the world seems sleazy, and people act so mean
And it isn’t easy to stay calm and serene
We may need to take a little break from the news that makes us cry
When they go low, we get high (we get high)

The words of Michelle Obama were more noble and high minded
But this Jewish mama will take comfort where she can find it
I know it's true there's work to do, but for now I'm too upset to try
When they go low, we get high (we get high, high)

Sure I know we're reeling from hard feelings that will linger
As political norms explode like an episode of Jerry Springer
No need to shout or let it out with a middle finger
Do like me and you can be another really unlikely reggae singer
(reggae singer, reggae singer)

It's been hard to see someone who has so many of us appalled win
Tho I've tried to see the upside, steady work for Alec Baldwin
And we've seen the states with legal weed sure multiply
So when they go low, we get high, high, high

You can get your tokes from life, or jokes,
Or whatever helps you get by
When they go low, we get high
(When cabinet picks are makin' you sick)
When they go low, we get high
(think of the fights that are forming about global warming)
When they go low, we get high
(they'll make a mess of freedom of the press)
When they go low, we get high
Track Name: No More Prayers (Except The Prayer To Act)
Yet another mass shooting, something we're too used to saying
But I'm not impressed when all you suggest
Is platitudes or praying
You say again, the Second Amendment cannot be negated
But I want to shout you forgot about The phrase 'well-regulated'

I've had it with your 'moments of silence'
Spare us your thoughts and prayers
Cause if you won't do a thing then don't Pretend to be someone who cares
Your silence mocks the victims when there are laws you could enact
So no more prayers excpet the prayer to act

Security's tight now at airports
And god knows it's not much fun
So tell me why someone too scary to fly Can still go buy a gun
The NRA has the final say as gun companies make millions
But there's no reason for any weapons of war
To be sold anymore to civilians

I've had it with your 'moments of silence'
Spare us your thoughts and prayers
Don't wanna hear from those it's clear Are Gun lobby obeyers
Your silence mocks the victims when there are laws you could enact
So no more prayers excpet the prayer to act

And you don't get to euologize A community you demonize
We can see right through the lies
When hypocrites say they sympathize

So no more 'moments of silence'
Not another thought or prayer
How many more must die before We decide it's too much to bear
We won't let hate define us, but we cannot escape the fact
That our prayers don't mean a thing unless we act
So no more prayers except the prayer to act
Track Name: Cherry-Picking The Bible
I thought gay rights were here to stay
But right wing holdouts won't obey
Defending homophobia With religion-based myopia
But if that's why they're resistant, they oughta be consistent
They're just cherry picking the bible to block equality
The proof is undeniable of their hypocrisy
They apply selective economy To what they do from Deuteronomy
They can't just choose which rules they will obey
If they cite the Bible, they should follow it all the way
It also says Pork & shellfish they can't eat And don't go mixing milk and meat
On Sabbath no work can you do, and it's a sin to get a tattoo
Mixed fabric clothing never wear and never trim your beard or hair
If all that they don't follow, their argument's hard to swallow
Cause they're cherry picking the bible to say, There's no Adam and Steve
That logic isn't viable with so much else they don't believe
They can't rail against same sex at us Til they observe each word of Exodus
They can't just choose which rules they will obey
If they cite the bible, they should follow it all the way
The bible also okays slavery And women are husband's property
Men can have a lot of wives Nonvirgin brides should lose their lives
And if kids commit gluttony they get the death penalty
If all that they don't observe, than they've got a lot of nerve
to go cherry picking the Torah to redefine reality
Like, the sin in Sodom & Gomorrah, was actually lack of hospitality
Plus the so-called gay menace is Not mentioned at all in Genesis
No skipping Scripture bits they don't wanna use
If they cite the bible they can't just pick & choose
Plus the line they've quoted all along
Says laying with another man is wrong
But I guess it's fine to do it standing up, sitting or swimmin'
And it doesn't say a thing about two women - (which makes the Bible kinda like porn!)
It's cherry picking the good book to say men can't marry men
If these homophobes just would look, we've all evolved since then
Even the most semitic us Ignore most of Leviticus
They're just cherry picking so they can discriminate
No need to get all blistery, they're on the losing side of history
They're cherry picking to justify their hate
They used the same lame rationalization for laws against miscegenation
Quit cherry picking the bible to block equality! - Oy vey!
Track Name: I'm Not Old, I'm Vintage
You won't hear me whining about the years of wear and tear
I found a silver lining and it isn't in my hair
Cause with aging comes perspective, all the wisdom that you gain
Besides I don't mind wrinkles 'cause I want them in my brain

I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time
Living longer has made me stronger
And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime
(I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage)

Everyone's obsessed now with looking young and hip and thin
But hey, I'm at my best now, and I like the shape I'm in
Oh I'm proud of my experience, all the battles I have fought
And it's not just my hot flashes that make me feel so hot

I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time
Living longer has made me stronger
And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime
(I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage)

I don't have to be invisible, I'm not hiding anymore
And I'm proud to say, I'm a middle-aged woman, hear me roar!
Oh, hear me roar

I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time
Living longer has made me stronger
And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime
(I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage)

I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time
Living longer has made me stronger
And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime
(I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage)