We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

Guess I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Sniffing Glue

by Lauren Mayer

supported by
Sandy Riccardi
Sandy Riccardi thumbnail
Sandy Riccardi Lauren Mayer is a brilliant and hilarious political songwriter whose music is helping to keep me sane during the current administration. Favorite track: We Are All Immigrants, You Shmucks.
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $12 USD  or more

     

1.
It's been a truly crazy election - And now it looks like crazy is here to stay The people voted and made a selection, But the electoral college went the other way I start to wonder what those voters were thinking Guess I picked the wrong week to quit drinking Shock and awe have been the liberal reactions As we try to find a way to stay happy Commiserating on social media, or seeking distractions Like binge-watching reruns of Downton Abbey Well at least California legalized what we need Guess I picked the wrong week to quit smokin' weed Election night I really questioned my sanity And nothing really seemed to make sense When the most accurate pundit was Sean Hannity And the grownup in the room was Mike Pence As the Democrats path started narrowin' I picked the wrong week to quit shooting heroin The fact that Obama's successor will be that man Is like something out of my scariest dreams We could really use a hero like Batman Or at least a few real funny memes But if we can laugh, it'll help us pull through Although I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue Now, I'm not advocating substance abuse, just making a joke But I picked the wrong week to quit snorting coke, just kidding, sorta . . . .
2.
Dear Internet Trolls Thanks for taking so much time to tell me I'm a worthless jerk And you hate my work But even folks who don't like my videos do count So you and your pals have really goosed my view count Though you think my writing and singing sucks You helped me make a few extra bucks And you might think that I'd think your comments are scary But clearly you just need a hug, and a dictionary Dear Internet Trolls Gosh you really sound upset and you wanna get it off your chest But I'm not impressed Your anti-Semitic, sexist slurs would be more compelling If you could be bothered to check your spelling As for using foul language to knock me I've raised teenage sons so it's hard to shock me You might think that I'd think your comments are scary But clearly you just need a hug, and a dictionary and a good therapist Some of what you say may seem hateful But for making me feel famous, I'm grateful And I don't wanna sound shrill myself But you & your friends have already suggested plenty of possible methods to kill myself - (so I'm good, thanks) Dear Internet Trolls Do you think the way you belly-ache is gonna make me disappear? Sorry, I'm still here And I know what's behind the misbehaving around your tricks Showing off for each other by waving around your . . . words If what I create makes you hate & deplore it You know you could always just ignore it So don't think that I think your comments are scary Clearly you just need a hug, and a dictionary - and a good therapist - and a job - and a social life - and a remedial English class - and some serious medication - and something constructive to do with what's clearly too much free time on your hands - and a teddy bear - and a lollipop . . . .
3.
There's a term that's been maligned And casually dismissed So today it's time we redefined The meaning of "femninist' Do you have a vagina? Do you want to be the boss of it? If the answer is yes - then you're a feminist If you think in health care one's gender Should not determine the cost of it Or if to birth control you get access? Then you're a feminist! Young women claim, "feminism's not for me I'm tired of hearing about it I want to scream, read your history We'd all be screwed without it! Do you have your own credit card Would you hate to see the loss of it Then there's no need to guess, you are a feminist If you think Olympic athletes Should be discussed for their accomplishments and not their boyfriends, or hairstyle? Uh, you're a feminist If you hate the way online critics Have gotten even more misogynist, more personal, violent and vile Duh, you're a feminist Misogyny is clear to see In how some women are slandered It's especially sick in politics Where there's a troubling double standard If you think political candidates Should be judged by their records and policies and not by how much they smile Uggh!!, you're a feminist It doesn't make you anti-men To point out every now and then That it would be good for everyone If the Equal Rights battle were finally won Sexism isn't dead and it's getting me pissed! Cause there's nothing wrong with being a feminist!
4.
CHORUS: Put down your cell phone, and be here now Put down your cell phone, you'll survive somehow Put down your cell phone, we don't need that sound Put it down, put it down, put it down CHORUS B Put down your cell phone, don't give it a glance Put down your cell phone let it vibrate in your pants Put down your cell phone at home or in town Put it down put it down put it down You don't need to be online every single minute Recording each moment instead of being in it You're missing the party, the show on the stage When you're busy posting photos to your Facebook page CHORUS Oy, it's annoying when you're in a crowd And people are talking way too loud Or you hear every word of a personal call That someone's making in the next toilet stall! CHORUS When I see people who text and drive I wanna say, Hey, I'd rather stay alive Do you need to make phone calls everywhere you are, If it's really so important then stop your damn car! CHORUS BRIDGE Why do we always need to be connected The people we're with deserve to be respected (They deserve to be respected!) So . . . . CHORUS A, CHORUS B TAG Put it down put it down - ignore a call when it comes put it down put it down - stifle (or 'put away') your thumbs Put it down put it down - we'll show you how Put it down put it down put it down - right now!
5.
I thought this was a country that welcomed in the strangers The huddled masses yearning to be free But lately politicians have been screaming about dangers Which have no basis in reality So as this issue's heating up in politics today To those xenophobes Ild like to say We are mostly all immigrants you shmucks What's with your cluelessness & arrogance? Pretending history doesn't exist We are all immigrants you shmucks, except for Native Americans Who have good reason to be really pissed Stop insulting our neighbors like uneducated clucks Cause we're (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks Immigrants have come here in search of better lives Or escaping wars and horrors they've been through And as is clearly proven by a couple of Trump's wives Immigrants do jobs the rest of us won't do Trump's xenophobic speeches have most thinking people squirmin' Maybe they sounded better in the original German We are all immigrants, you shmucks - despite the way Ann Coulter raves If she won't shut up could she at least lower her voice We are mostly all immigrants, you shmucks Except for native Americans & descendants of slaves Who ancesters didn't exactly come here by choice You know you're in the wrong when you're endorsed by the Ku Klux(Klan) (it rhymes) And we're (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks You platitudes and slogans recall us at our worst Look up the hist'ry of Charles Lindbergh and "Amer'ca First" So much damage done back then with anti-immigrant hysteria Ann Frank today would be a girl from Syria We are all immigrants you shmucks, so stop these nativist attacks They're unAmerican, they're hateful and unfair We are (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks, most immigrants pay a lot more tax Than a certain blow-hard, orange-faced billionaire My song's not just for yucks - of my point here's the crux Stop stirring up the muck with violent rhetoric that sucks Remember, we are (mostly) all immigrants you shmucks!
6.
We've finally got nation-wide marriage equality Thought we were done with obstructive frivolity The right wing's still fighting, the way it does With a word that doesn't mean what they say it does Religious freedom doesn't mean you're - free to discriminate If someone you might hate just wants to celebrate No one's saying you can't pray the way you wanna pray But businesses have laws they must obey The fervor of your feelings doesn't change things a smidgeon Serving homophobic bigots is against my religion But legally I can't refuse to serve 'em to protest their views Even shmucks have rights today You can't fire folks for being gay even'if your church says to restrict 'em But this basic dictum Doesn't mean that YOU'RE the victim Those who've been rejected need their rights to be protected Which does not make you some persecuted Job Why are you so frightened? Are you so out of touch Or maybe it's a case of doth protesting too much A lot of studies posit someone's prob'ly in the closet when they act like such a homophobe And this freakout over men in ladies' restrooms is weird Despite what they have feared not one case has appeared Does that mean when we have to go some shmoe's gotta screen us? This is why religion's like a penis: It's fine to have one but you don't need to wave it in my face! The only LGBT agenda is to be treated equally Which won't hurt you or me Why's that so hard to see? Gay weddings don't disparage the whole institution of marriage In fact, they actually strengthen families These family values politicians who put gay romance down Are usually the ones who get caught with their pants down Each hateful law that passes from these homophobic . . . bigots Is just to justify their hate But religious freedom doesn't mean the freedom to discriminate!
7.
These days women's rights were well established, or so we presumed Still work to do, but things were looking nifty But lately rightwing politicians seem to be consumed With making us go back to 1950 Oh they'd rob us of our choices, birth control restrictions pour on It's time to raise our voices, so we can tell each moron Your war on women is infuriating - You only value us if we're gestating So tell all those misogynists from Maine to North Carolina I didn't come from your rib - you came from my vagina! Now apparently God tells some politicians that they ought To deny science, women's rights and evolution But it's NOT a Christian country, just in case you shmucks forgot And the Bible doesn't trump the constitution And don't push 'abstinence only', those programs are all failin' It didn't really work out so well for Bristol Palin (just sayin') Your war on women's real and revs my motor Keep up this crap, you'll lose each female voter So quit claiming to respect us while you shame & blame & tutor us I didn't come from your rib, but you came from my uterus To cut off women's health care, red state governments have raced As if to TV preachers they've apprenticed But all these closed Planned Parenthood clinics can't be replaced By optometrists, a food bank or a dentist So don't put us through contortions to get a rare exception And if you want fewer abortions, don't block access to contraception! Your platform's packed with vehement misogyny Treating us like we're just vehicles for progeny Of women's rights, the GOP would be an underminer I didn't come from your rib, you came from my vagina And we're sick of your misogynists one liners We didn't come from your ribs, you came from our vaginas I didn't come from your rib, you came from my vagina!
8.
Yet again we all lament another awful shooting But we can't do a thing about it, there seems no refuting Cause of what they say at the NRA, despite our outraged yelps They say people (not guns) kill people But honey, the gun sure helps. One crime by one illegal immigrant, they say, deport 'em all, no pity, oh They'll defund Planned Parenthood cause of a nonexistent video But thousands of gun deaths annually won't sway these mindless kelps who say people (not guns) kill people But honey, the gun sure helps. (BRIDGE) We have way more guns than other countries & more gun deaths by far you think? Our Founding Fathers didn't envision open carry in a bar And that precious second amendment? I wish ya Would recall it's all about a militia And tho gun nuts may hate it, IT ALSO MENTIONED WELL REGULATED Hello! If it's about "good guys with guns" then why do they oppose Basic background checks or get so vexed at enforcing laws at gun shows Tell me why we're paralyzed by jerks who like to smirk people not guns kill people but Saying 'bang bang' doesn't really work How many more senseless deaths before We say to the NRA no more People MAY kill people, but the way-too-accessible gun helps Doesn't anyone think the weapon matters When it's less regulated than pools or ladders Yeah people kill people and shoot their neighbors, and their loved ones, and themselves, and completely random innocent people and the unregulated frigging gun sure helps!
9.
I know our love can never be more than a hopless fantasy I don't know what else to do, cause I'm not over you My broken-heart won't mend in a hurry Even though I know that I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother with a crush on Steph Curry, ooh, You've got a smile I can't resist Tho you don't even know that I exist Maybe I'll start "I Love Steph Curry Dot Com" Even though I'm old enough to be your . . . . big sister About my pain it's plain you don't worry Cause you're a famous athlete in your prime And I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother w/a crush on Steph Curry It's hard to keep track of all the great shots you've thrown In fact, the only records left to break are your own You're the standout on an outstanding team But are you really as nice, and well mannered and smart, and with an emoji that's more popular than Kim Kardashian's, yet you're still humble & altruistic, and devoted to your wholesomely attractive familyand devoutly Christian but not in a showy way like Tim Tebow More understated spirituality like Jimmy Carter As you seem? Darling you know you'll always be my personal MVP But seeing you rips me apart You keep shooting 3 pointers into my heart Let all your other fans around you scurry At least my plea to you will rhyme cause I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother with a crush on Steph Curry I hope this song gets to you in a hurry Cause athletic careers only last so long and I'm running out of time And I'm just another middle-aged Jewish mother w/a crush on Steph Curry Just another middle-aged Jewish mother who doesn't normally act like this but don't worry I'm happily married and not a stalker It's just that I've got an unresolved crush on Steph Curry
10.
There's a term by which I'm guided that's been slighted and derided And right wingers can't abide it But I wish we wouldn't hide it "Politically correct" is just another way to say Not being an asshole And if you should ever doubt it Look at who complains about it They use being 'non PC' As a rather loose excuse to be Homophobic racist sexist anti Semitic And a way to put down any critic Don't think we didn't see the meme you tweeted It doesn't disappear just cause you delete it Your rudeness we reject What's wrong with being politically correct? "Politically correct" was once meant as a compliment For using nice manners The entire affair doesn't merit scorning Cause a few kids wig out over trigger warning Some overreach does not mean being PC Is worse than misogyny and bigotry Insults and lies don't comprise a great speech And don't blame the media when you spew hate speech It's not defending 'truth and candor' When to the basest of your racist fans you pander Politically correct is simply showing people some respect And using a shred of intellect In the leaders we elect, there's nothing wrong with being politically correct!
11.
If men could get pregnant Contraception would be a basic right Access to birth control would never be cut No one would say you only need it cause you're a slut The pill would be the easy method favored And it would be free and bacon-flavored If men could get pregnant About sex ed we wouldn't be so uptight States wouldn't make up legal contortions To prevent men from having safe legal abortions And a real effective morning after pill, you know Would've been invented a hundred years ago If men could get pregnant They'd decide exactly when they want to conceive There'd be cool pregnancy comfort devices Stretch marks would be a national health crisis About natural childbirth, men wouldn't give heck to me It would be as rare as natural vasectomy If men could get pregnant They'd get two years paid maternity leave They'd proudly breast feed in public, and not cower They'd wanna show off their size and squirting power So as for women's choice, I hope men view it By thinking about what if they had to do it This reproductive battle, we'd've already won it If men could get pregnant The world would be a better place - cause women would run it! If men could get pregnant (just kidding not really)
12.
If men could get pregnant Contraception would be a basic right Access to birth control would never be cut No one would say you only need it cause you're a slut The pill would be the easy method favored And it would be free and bacon-flavored If men could get pregnant About sex ed we wouldn't be so uptight States wouldn't make up legal contortions To prevent men from having safe legal abortions And a real effective morning after pill, you know Would've been invented a hundred years ago If men could get pregnant They'd decide exactly when they want to conceive There'd be cool pregnancy comfort devices Stretch marks would be a national health crisis About natural childbirth, men wouldn't give heck to me It would be as rare as natural vasectomy If men could get pregnant They'd get two years paid maternity leave They'd proudly breast feed in public, and not cower They'd wanna show off their size and squirting power So as for women's choice, I hope men view it By thinking about what if they had to do it This reproductive battle, we'd've already won it If men could get pregnant The world would be a better place - cause women would run it! If men could get pregnant (just kidding not really)
13.
When the world seems sleazy, and people act so mean And it isn’t easy to stay calm and serene We may need to take a little break from the news that makes us cry When they go low, we get high (we get high) The words of Michelle Obama were more noble and high minded But this Jewish mama will take comfort where she can find it I know it's true there's work to do, but for now I'm too upset to try When they go low, we get high (we get high, high) Sure I know we're reeling from hard feelings that will linger As political norms explode like an episode of Jerry Springer No need to shout or let it out with a middle finger Do like me and you can be another really unlikely reggae singer (reggae singer, reggae singer) It's been hard to see someone who has so many of us appalled win Tho I've tried to see the upside, steady work for Alec Baldwin And we've seen the states with legal weed sure multiply So when they go low, we get high, high, high You can get your tokes from life, or jokes, Or whatever helps you get by When they go low, we get high (When cabinet picks are makin' you sick) When they go low, we get high (think of the fights that are forming about global warming) When they go low, we get high (they'll make a mess of freedom of the press) When they go low, we get high
14.
Yet another mass shooting, something we're too used to saying But I'm not impressed when all you suggest Is platitudes or praying You say again, the Second Amendment cannot be negated But I want to shout you forgot about The phrase 'well-regulated' I've had it with your 'moments of silence' Spare us your thoughts and prayers Cause if you won't do a thing then don't Pretend to be someone who cares Your silence mocks the victims when there are laws you could enact So no more prayers excpet the prayer to act Security's tight now at airports And god knows it's not much fun So tell me why someone too scary to fly Can still go buy a gun The NRA has the final say as gun companies make millions But there's no reason for any weapons of war To be sold anymore to civilians I've had it with your 'moments of silence' Spare us your thoughts and prayers Don't wanna hear from those it's clear Are Gun lobby obeyers Your silence mocks the victims when there are laws you could enact So no more prayers excpet the prayer to act And you don't get to euologize A community you demonize We can see right through the lies When hypocrites say they sympathize So no more 'moments of silence' Not another thought or prayer How many more must die before We decide it's too much to bear We won't let hate define us, but we cannot escape the fact That our prayers don't mean a thing unless we act So no more prayers except the prayer to act
15.
I thought gay rights were here to stay But right wing holdouts won't obey Defending homophobia With religion-based myopia But if that's why they're resistant, they oughta be consistent They're just cherry picking the bible to block equality The proof is undeniable of their hypocrisy They apply selective economy To what they do from Deuteronomy They can't just choose which rules they will obey If they cite the Bible, they should follow it all the way It also says Pork & shellfish they can't eat And don't go mixing milk and meat On Sabbath no work can you do, and it's a sin to get a tattoo Mixed fabric clothing never wear and never trim your beard or hair If all that they don't follow, their argument's hard to swallow Cause they're cherry picking the bible to say, There's no Adam and Steve That logic isn't viable with so much else they don't believe They can't rail against same sex at us Til they observe each word of Exodus They can't just choose which rules they will obey If they cite the bible, they should follow it all the way The bible also okays slavery And women are husband's property Men can have a lot of wives Nonvirgin brides should lose their lives And if kids commit gluttony they get the death penalty If all that they don't observe, than they've got a lot of nerve to go cherry picking the Torah to redefine reality Like, the sin in Sodom & Gomorrah, was actually lack of hospitality Plus the so-called gay menace is Not mentioned at all in Genesis No skipping Scripture bits they don't wanna use If they cite the bible they can't just pick & choose Plus the line they've quoted all along Says laying with another man is wrong But I guess it's fine to do it standing up, sitting or swimmin' And it doesn't say a thing about two women - (which makes the Bible kinda like porn!) It's cherry picking the good book to say men can't marry men If these homophobes just would look, we've all evolved since then Even the most semitic us Ignore most of Leviticus They're just cherry picking so they can discriminate No need to get all blistery, they're on the losing side of history They're cherry picking to justify their hate They used the same lame rationalization for laws against miscegenation Quit cherry picking the bible to block equality! - Oy vey!
16.
You won't hear me whining about the years of wear and tear I found a silver lining and it isn't in my hair Cause with aging comes perspective, all the wisdom that you gain Besides I don't mind wrinkles 'cause I want them in my brain I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time Living longer has made me stronger And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime (I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage) Everyone's obsessed now with looking young and hip and thin But hey, I'm at my best now, and I like the shape I'm in Oh I'm proud of my experience, all the battles I have fought And it's not just my hot flashes that make me feel so hot I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time Living longer has made me stronger And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime (I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage) I don't have to be invisible, I'm not hiding anymore And I'm proud to say, I'm a middle-aged woman, hear me roar! Oh, hear me roar I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time Living longer has made me stronger And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime (I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage) I'm not old, I'm vintage, I've stood the test of time Living longer has made me stronger And hey, this vintage babe is in her prime (I'm not old I'm vintage, I'm not old I'm vintage)

about

Comedy songs for crazy times - political satire & topical comedy from an opinionated liberal suburban Jewish mother

credits

released December 1, 2016

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Lauren Mayer San Mateo, California

Lauren Mayer (a.k.a. Psycho Super Mom) is a political comedy satiric songwriter who writes weekly topical songs about politics, life, and sleep deprivation. She is an award-winning songwriter/ cabaret performer & a graduate of Yale University, and her mother still doesn't understand why she didn't go to law school. ... more

contact / help

Contact Lauren Mayer

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this album or account